Experience
Sh*t Every New Parent Should Know
It does not go by so fast. People who tell you “it goes by so fast” do not have babies or small children at home. It goes by so slow. But you know what? That’s good! There’s more room for error! Be grateful.
They’re up all night to get lucky. Because their stomachs are so small, newborns need to eat roughly every two to three hours. This means they wake frequently. This means they wake you frequently. Thankfully, babies do have some good qualities: they smell good, don’t cheat on their taxes and look good in hats.
Sleep deprivation is the worst. It’s awful. It’s revolting. It causes confusion and memory loss. And it physically hurts. It’s like a really bad subway smell on a hot day — but in your brain. That said, blame everything and anything on sleep deprivation for as long as you possibly want.
The phrase “maternal instinct” stinks. Here’s a quote from a popular website about it: “Once you give birth… feelings you never expected to have will surface as part of the process of becoming a parent.” Once you give birth, feelings you never expected magically surface? Is a switch flipped during delivery? And what if you’re a new parent who didn’t give birth? Does this mean you’re screwed? No. Sorry. Maternal instinct is, literally, for the birds. If you bond right away, terrific. If it takes much longer, so be it. Either way, one day your kid will still want to borrow your car.
Hold your baby as much as you damn want. You can’t spoil babies. You can, however, spoil teenagers. “My Super Sweet 16” is proof of that.
Breast is best but… Is there anyone reading this who doesn’t know, by now, that breast is best? We get it. We’ve heard. Breast milk rocks. There is no chemical composition available anywhere that can ever replicate what we lucky women can make ourselves for free. But even though it looks ridiculously easy when other people do it, breastfeeding is not ridiculously easy. So please be prepared and be patient. Breastfeeding can be difficult at first. And at second. And at third. It can take a lot of effort and practice and help to get it right. And sometimes breastfeeding doesn’t work out. Or it doesn’t work out for long. And — newsflash for some of you reading this — it’s OK.
It’s called childREARing for a reason. It’s unbelievable how often babies can poop, especially since they don’t even drink coffee. The frequency or color of babycrap® (yes, that’s a registered trademark) doesn’t really matter. As long as the stool’s soft, not black or white, and blood- as well as mucus-free, there’s nothing to freak out about. Well, there are things to freak out about — global warming, for example — but not your baby’s poop.
Get out. Babies are small. This works to your advantage in so many ways. First, it would be hard to give birth to one if they were big. Second, it makes diaper changes easier. Third, it means that babies are portable so you can take them almost anywhere. Yes, even to a bar.
Get support. This is important for your boobs and this is important for you. Seriously a) you’re going to need some good bras whether you’re nursing or not and b) you’re going to need some good people with whom to talk, lean on and commiserate. Join a new parents’ group or class as soon as you can because — don’t forget! — your baby is portable.
Get help. Nine to 16 percent of new mothers suffer from postpartum depression. Nine to 16 percent. It’s so common. Why don’t we talk about this more? If you’re reading this and feel you might have symptoms of depression or anxiety, please don’t feel alone — because you’re not. If you feel depressed, overanxious, overwhelmed or are worried that you may have trouble taking care of yourself and your baby, call your doctor or reach out to a loved one right away.
Don’t be too hard on yourself. Do you love your baby? Are you doing the best you can? Has anyone contacted the authorities? If you can answer “yes,” “yes” and “no” then pat yourself on the back because it’s going well so far!
Three Is The New 2
Sometimes my 3-year-old is the most kind-hearted and loving little boy in the world. He uses his manners, he gives surprise kisses and hugs, he wants to cuddle and share his Goldfish. He thanks me for the pudding cups, he gladly puts away his toys, he says, “Sure, Mama” when I ask him to help me fold the laundry.
And other times. Oh, the other times.
Like now.
I’m listening to him have a meltdown about his bath water. He said the water is too hot. It’s not too hot. It’s actually perfect. He’s just saying it’s hot because he doesn’t want to take a bath.
Three seconds have passed since he said the water was too hot. He’s decided that it is not too hot, but rather, it is too cold. It isn’t. He still just doesn’t want to take a bath.
There goes the shriek. The splashing of bath water. I hear the sound of my husband’s irritated voice through clenched teeth. Now it is silent. I’m not sure if the boy is actually in the bathtub or if my husband gave up and put him to bed with grass stains on his knees.
My son is a difficult toddler. The terrible two phase hasn’t disappeared since he turned three. He’s strong-willed. And sometimes, quite frankly, he’s an ass. I’ve read all of the parenting books about strong-willed children, but none of them offer any good advice.
My boy has every Thomas and Friends train ever invented — except for Percy. He begged for Percy for 12 days, at least 15 times an hour, so I broke down and took him to get the coveted Percy locomotive.
When we got to the store, the boy decided that he didn’t want Percy anymore. He wanted Salty. I asked him if he was absolutely sure of this critical decision. He nodded with certainty, so I purchased Salty. Salty was cheaper than Percy, anyway.
We got home and my son changed his mind. He demanded that I return to the store for Percy. I tried to reason with him. I asked why he didn’t get Percy when he had the chance. He didn’t want to talk it out or listen to reason. He just wanted Percy. It’s been three days and he still wants Percy. After an epic meltdown on both of our parts, I took Salty away from him. Now he has no Salty. And no Percy. He’s seriously pissed at the situation.
Where’s the parenting book that tells step-by-step what to do when difficult toddler decides that his green beans are disgusting, but the Cracker Barrel waitress refuses to swap them out for corn on the cob? It doesn’t matter that he was hyped about green beans three minutes earlier. All that matters is that right now, in this moment, green beans are putrid and he does not want them setting anywhere on our table. He’ll scream at the top of his lungs until this waitress takes away the green beans and replaces them with corn on the cob that he will find equally as disgusting in twelve seconds time.
All ideas in the history of ideas are horrible ideas if they aren’t his ideas.
For example, I think it would be a great idea to go to his room and read books. He usually loves reading books, but because I told him we should read books, he revolts. “There will be no book reading here tonight, lady! I’ll burn this place to the ground if I must!”
He actually likes to nap. He’ll tell me he needs to rest, and I nearly urinate on myself from excitement as he disappears into his room and cuddles with his Pillow Pet. However, if I tell him that its time to nap, he goes stark-raving nuts. “There will be no slumbering here today, lady! I’ll shriek like Mariah Carey for three hours if I must!”
He won’t wear the monogrammed outfit for the Christmas picture. He’s not about to wear corduroy overalls with a red-nosed deer applique. Those threads are totally not cool. “There will be no picture taking here today, lady! I’ll strip naked if I must!”
My son’s best friend is a huge teddy creatively named Bear. If I forget to pack Bear in the car then we have to make a U-turn and go Earnhardt-speed back to the house to get Bear. If I remember to pack Bear then we have to make a U-turn and go Earnhardt-speed back to the house to drop Bear off because he and Bear are in an argument that I was unaware of. He and Bear aren’t on speaking terms, and he’ll be damned if Bear hitches a ride with us to Target.
He wants to watch Toy Story 3. I mistakenly put Toy Story 2 in the DVD player. I must be some kind of idiot. As he loudly points out my mistake, I eject the disc and put in Toy Story 3. Excuse me, dear Sir. I didn’t know you’d changed your mind and wanted to watch the tragic tale of a Clown Fish that was suddenly ripped away from his widowed father.
You’re reading this and you’re thinking I should A.) spank him 2.) ignore him 3.) put him in time-out G.) reason with him.
I’ve tried all. None work. None. NONE.
He doesn’t always get his way, but I’ve learned to pick my battles. I don’t spoil him, I don’t give into his every whim and desire, I don’t let him play in the street or swim without floaties just because he says he’s a “big boy.” But, I pick my battles.
If you have a difficult toddler, then it is best to pick your battles, too.
Let him take the “white and khaki” themed family photo in a redneck Lightning McQueen shirt. Show it to his future girlfriends and dramatically, with hand motions and colorful adjectives, tell them how obsessed he once was with Cars and how he said “ka-chow” and thrusted his pelvis while dancing naked on the trampoline.
Let her eat all of the Halloween candy in one sitting. When she’s puking Kit-Kats, ask her if she wants another one.
Let him throw an un-interrupted tantrum once in a while. As he screams and convulses on the floor at grocery store, nudge the shocked woman standing beside you and whisper, “What in the world is wrong with that little psycho?”
Pick your battles with difficult children.
Or start drinking heavily.
Whichever works best for you.
**Ah, here he comes, fresh out of the bathtub with teary eyes and clean hair. It looks like daddy won that battle. Water wasn’t too hot or cold, was it, you difficult little hotshot?**
Follow Susannah Lewis on Twitter: www.twitter.com/whoasusannah
“Orange Rhino” Alternatives to Yelling
Below is a list of 100 things I have done instead of yelling. Scroll down to read about:
– Fun Alternatives
– I’ll look like a fool Alternatives
– I’ll be considered a bad parent Alternatives
– Preventative Alternatives (surround yourself with reminders)
– You’ll think I’m Cheesy Alternatives
– Serious/Expected Alternatives
Fun Alternatives:
1. Run around the house (adrenaline boost)
2. Start talking jibberish (makes kids laugh & stop pummeling each other)
3. Start blowing bubbles (reminds me of childhood & that I should CHILL OUT)
4. Get the camera (forces me to see behavior wasn’t so bad)
5. Laugh. Even if you don’t want to. (laughter is good for the soul)
6. Bang arms on chest like a gorilla (a good release and a great entertainment for kids)
7. Put hand in front of mouth and pretend to “toot” a horn (great attention getter)
8. Do Jump and Jacks (releases positive chemicals or something like that!)
9. Do push ups (see above)
10. Start clapping & go until kids have stopped annoying behavior (a good release)
11. Start drumming on table/counter until rage is gone (a REALLY good release)
12. Start the Hokey Pokey (silliness can snap anyone out of it)
13. Start a Dance Party (adrenaline + fun, what’s not to love?)
14. Sing. I especially like “La la la, la la, la LAAAAA” (it’s unexpected which works wonders)
15. Pretend to have Laryngitis (silence also works wonders)
16. Play hide ‘n seek. You hide. They seek. For a LONG time. (fun game can snap anyone out of it)
17. Put funny glasses on and “look” through their eyes (they laugh, you find empathy)
18. Give a High Five (The “slap” slaps you out desire to yell as does the touch of their sweet hands)
19. Try to do a somersault (makes you laugh and maybe even pee your pants. Oh, but not me. As if).
20. Speak in a Robot voice (makes kids stop and look at you and wonder, who is she?!)
21. Start Playing with the kids (makes you realize how fun it is to be a kid!)
22. Grab children and hug them (it just feels good all over for everyone!)
23. Start doing “crab walks” (entertaining and exercise releases good chemicals or something like that!)
24. Spray silly string (a fun diverter)
25. Bang a pot or pan (releases anger & starts a music party)
26. Start running in place (adrenaline boost )
27. Tickle child you want to yell at (laughter does the body good, more good than milk!)
28. Pretend you are hurt and need Dr. so and so, insert kids name (kids come running)
29. Go read favorite page of 50 Shades of Grey (did I just write that?! Next subject. Blush. Blush.)
30. Whistle. Loudly. (helps you focus on breathing and annoys kids so they re-focus on you!)
31. Hum. Even louder than whistle (annoys kids & gets them to stop behavior and tell you to stop!)
32. Pop some orange M&M’s into mouth (chocolate is a great mood changer)!
33. Eat a carrot or an apple. Just something hard and crunchy (crunch out stress!)
34. Eat frozen grapes & pretend for a second kids are sleeping & the grapes are wine (okay, it’s a stretch but reaching into freezer snapped me out of my moods!)
“I look like a Fool” Alternatives:
35. Yell into a Closet (clothes don’t have feelings)
36. Yell into a Kitchen Cabinet (cereal boxes don’t have feelings either)
37 . Open up the freezer and put head in (it cools me down & makes kids laugh)
38. Raise two hands in air (gets kids attention & warns that I’m about to blow)
39. Go to the bathroom and scream into the toilet, then flush it away (um symbolic?)
40. Shake body, arms and legs (like The Wiggles, Shake shake Shake your silly’s out)
41. Get on back and put legs and arms in the air and howl like a Dog (yes, I did this)
“I’ll be considered a bad parent” Alternatives:
42. Put the TV on for longer than normally feels okay at really bad moments (sometimes TV is better
than yelling, right?)
43. Have ice cream sundaes together (fun family activity makes me want to have fun, not yell)
44. Start the day with Orange Yogurt (A very small food coloring goes a long way)
45. Sit down and “watch” the circus (gain perspective and laughter)
46. Put ear buds in and listen to Radio! (ah, my kind of “noise”!)
47. Close your eyes & put head in hands in disbelief. Nope I have NEVER done this either.
48. Open a window and breathe in fresh air (kids laugh, what is she doing? Is she a dog?!)
49. Close eyes and picture yourself on a beach, with a daiquiri in hand (takes you to your happy place)
50. Keep orange gum/tic tacs in purse (chewing /sucking sounds drown out whining!)
Preventive Alternatives (surround yourself with reminders that you don’t want to yell):
51. Paint your nails orange (reminds you every morning to be warm and composed)
52. Dress your kids in orange (a totally in your face reminder)
53. Post pictures of kids in problem areas (forces you to fall in love all over again)
54. Buy orange napkins and keep in the kitchen
55. Buy (or receive for Mother’s Day!) orange kitchen towels
56. Wear more orange (necklace, clothes)
57. Put orange post it notes all over the house ESPECIALLY where one is apt to yell
58. Print out Orange Rhino Logo, attach popsicle sticks and have Kids hold it up when crankiness starts
59. Get kids involved! Have them yell “ORANGE RHINO!!!” when they sense eruption coming!
60. Wear an orange hair elastic around wrist
61. Place orange flowers in a vase in kitchen
62. Serve Orange Foods/Drinks (oranges, peaches, cheese, Cheez its, carrots)
63. Drink from an Orange Straw (simply reminds you of the color orange, feelings of warmth!)
64. Light a candle at known bad times, um, bed time? (Relaxes your mood)
65. Use aromatherapy lotion on hands…instead of slamming a door in frustration (massage is relaxing)
66. Say “I love you. I love you. I love you.” (Hard to yell when you realize you love someone).
67. Think things could be worse (yes he’s on table, but he isn’t swinging from the chandelier. Yet.)
68. Grab play-doh or silly putty and squeeze (don’t forget to stop squeezing)
69. Drink a glass of water (forces you to take a breath. Or two.)
70. Splash cold water on your face (snaps you right out of bad mood)
71. Put a warm wash cloth on your neck (ah…relaxation)
72. Text a friend announcing you’re going to lose it (hopefully he/she will say “don’t!!)
73. Set up phone calendar to notify you every 30 min to not yell. (annoying but helpful)
74. Stare at something in room that you love. (finding happy moments erases anger)
75. Ask your child WHY are you crying? (the response will make you give a hug instead)
76. Ask your child WHY are you doing that? (the response will make you go, duh)
77. Tell yourself “I won’t yell. I won’t yell.” (Tricks you into believing you won’t!)
78. Put a finger over mouth in shhh position (creates physical barrier to yelling)
79. Ring a bell like pre-school teachers (casts a magical spell on kids)
80. Look at this cheat sheet! (gives you ideas or makes you laugh?!)
81. If help is around, tag out. (gives you a well-deserved break!)
82. Go through yelling motions but don’t let voice out (shocks kids and yourself that you didn’t yell, releases endorphins from pride!)
83. Go to http://www.facebook.com/TheOrangeRhino and yell at me (that’s what the page is for!)
“You’ll think I am cheesy” Alternatives:
84. Say out loud “Serenity Now.”
85. Say out loud “They are just kids and I love them.”
86. Say out loud “It’s Gonna be a GREEEEAT day” (like the guy in Jerry Maguire)
87. Call a family council meeting and have everyone sit criss- cross applesauce (forces kids to stop)
88. Look at TV and pretend there is a hidden camera (fear of judgment works wonders)
89. Smile (rumor has it if you fake it, you’ll feel it?)
90. Cry. Yup cry. Show your kids you’re frustrated (brings out empathy from kiddos & new behavior)
91. Say positive thoughts out loud (forces you to see good, not bad and forces desire to be kind)
92. Pull out family photo album (takes everyone to a happy, smiley place)
93. Tell your kids how you feel (gets love and concern and teaches them to express feelings!)
More Serious/Expected Alternatives:
94. Count to 10. Or 100. Or 1000 until you calm down. (forces one to regroup and get perspective)
95. Walk away (more opportunity to gain perspective)
96. Take a deep breath (if one is breathing, one can’t yell!)
97. Whisper (don’t know why this works, it just does!)
98. Turn the Lights off (the shocking factor stops kids in tracks and adds calmness)
99. Keep a journal and write why you want to scream (paper is a great listener)
100. Grab your hands together and squeeze (a great release)
12 Steps to Stop Yelling at your Kids
Step 1: Acknowledge that you need to change, Decide that you want to change, and fully Commit to changing. I didn’t just casually do these things, I REALLY acknowledged, REALLY decided, REALLY committed. Changing a bad habit is a big job. It required an equally big amount of energy and focus. I gave The Orange Rhino Challenge MY ALL. I took it seriously, I made it a real priority, I believed in it and myself, and I promised myself I was going to do whatever it took to succeed.
Step 2: Set a Goal. Yes, 365 days straight is a bit severe but it was a clear and inspiring goal, for me.Pick a goal for you that isn’t too vague, isn’t too overwhelming but is also motivational and measurable.Pick a goal that will help you yell LESS and build confidence. Some ideas beyond 365 days: 30 days without yelling, 30 bedtimes without yelling, 1 week without yelling. For more ideas read this blog post:Forget 365.
Step 3: Share your Goal to Create Accountability. I told my friends and family about my goal in order to make it “real” and not just a casual idea. Yes, it was hard to admit that I yelled too much but I knew it was important to have a group of people to be accountable to and share my progress with.
Step 4: Create a Support Network. There are four people I wouldn’t have survived this without.
(a) The Pep-Talker: The person you can call when you want to quit who will always tell you not to, that you can do it and that you’re doing great. This is my hubby’s job!
(b) The Texter: The person (people) you can text whenever you feel the urge to yell. Choose people who you know will reply back quickly with a supportive “don’t do it!”
(c) The Children: As in your children. Whenever my boys sense I’m getting ready to yell they say “Orange Rhino!” It works wonders. Wonders.
(d) The Orange Rhino Facebook Community. These are the people who can give you advice, encouragement on bad days, and hooray’s! on good days. These are the people who will stand by you without judgment, who will remind you that you are not alone and who will inspire you to keep going.
Step 5: Track your Triggers. This is the part no one wants to do, but needs to do! My first 10 days I wrote down on orange post-it notes when I yelled, why I yelled, my mood, my kids mood, time of day etc. Tracking helped me:
(a) Create a mental alarm system that now goes off BEFORE I yell. (ie. Warning! Legos all over floor. You will yell. Prepare yourself for self-control. )
(b) Identify small problems that can easily be fixed and larger problems that can be focused on one at a time (ie. rushing in morning makes me yell, put out breakfast plates at night)
(c) Gain self-awareness that 9 out of 10 times underneath the “triggers” was the real trigger, my mood, and that therefore I needed to focus on my role in the “wanting to yell situation,” not just the kids. (ie. I want to yell because the kids are too loud, but REALLY I’m just tired) and ultimately
(d) Create a preventative measures plan to practice (eat well, exercise, go to sleep earlier, don’t bottle up emotions, etc…)
Read my post on Tracking your Triggers here.
Step 6: Start practicing slowly. Learning not to yell AT your kids is a big change; take baby steps and know that it takes practice! First, I taught myself to yell AWAY from my kids. I stilled yelled, but not at them, not in their faces. Instead I yelled in closets, toilets, cupboards, cars, boxes, shoes, bags. I yelled anywhere BUT at them. After, I trained myself to turn away AND not say the mean words. I let out yells (ARGH!!!!), animal sounds (Roar!), whistles and whatever else came to my voice. The key here is repetition and accepting that “I can not always control my kids action, but I CAN always control my reaction.”
Step 7: Keep Practicing! After ten days of feeling silly yelling into the toilet and making animal sounds all day, and realizing that I DID have the self control to not yell at my boys, the desire to yell faded. I turned my energy towards (1) finding and practicing new ways to stay calm, (2) identifying, understanding and alleviating triggers, and (3) owning up to my own mood as the REAL source of the problem. Yes, I kept working at everything until I found my groove. For 100 Alternatives to Yelling that I tried, click here.
Step 8: Keep Goal top of mind. I practically decorated the house and myself in orange for a month straight to keep my promise top of mind; and I still do. Serve orange foods, wear orange, post sweet, gentle, “I can’t imagine yelling at that precious” baby pictures in problem areas, do whatever works to keep you focused on your goal.
Step 9: Persevere when you yell. In the beginning I restarted several times. I was discouraged until I started reminding myself that this was a process, that it would take time, and that the upside of yelling was that I learned about a trigger and what response to calm myself didn’t work. I didn’t fail; I just got more data points for how to succeed! Besides, telling myself I failed just made me feel crankier and yell more. So I stopped being so hard on myself, and when I did yell, I forgave myself, apologized to my kids, and promised to keep on trying.
Step 10: Celebrate when you succeed. Any moment I didn’t yell was a success, even if I had yelled moments before, and I celebrated those moments with either a fist pump in the air (yes, I did that!) or posting on Facebook. Everyone needs visual positive reinforcement too; my countdown clock on my blog does that for me. Other ideas for you: Make an orange heart on a calendar for every day you don’t yell, put an orange m&m in a jar for every moment you don’t yell, place an orange post it note on the wall near where you didn’t yell. Get creative but praise yourself!
Step 11: Stop Yelling, Start Thinking, Continue Calmly. And yes, despite all of the above, there are still moments where I feel a yell brewing. And then I turn to this mantra. STOP the Yell. (close my mouth, clench my hands, count to 10). START thinking (what’s the trigger, what calms me down, how can I proceed) and continue CALMLY.
Step 12: Remember that know that you are not alone, that I believe in you and that I am here to help you!
* It was HARD to learn to not yell and HARD to summarize all I did in a short blog post. If you want more information, comment and I will add it in future blog posts or point you in the right direction! Or read these posts mentioned above:
For goal setting: Forget 365 Days
For tracking triggers, a very useful step: Tracking My Triggers
For alternatives to yelling: 100 Alternatives
http://theorangerhino.com/12-steps-to-stop-yelling-at-your-kid/
Discipline dos and don’ts
Discipline Dos and Dont’s
- Not listening is a normal part of a child’s typical development. There is always a reason why he is not listening; it’s just not evident to you. When you understand the why of the behaviour, then the solution to the problem will come into focus.
- There is no one right way to discipline a child.
- You know your child best. Each child is different; each situation will, therefore, require a different response from you.
- Ask yourself: “Will my response (discipline) help this particular child to learn the limit and use it again in a similar situation? Am I teaching him what is expected, the right thing to do, and how to do it?”
- One yes sustains your child through a thousand nos.
- Your child has an amazing memory. He will not forget the one time he got you to change your mind. Giving in is a bad idea. Don’t do it. Do not deliver a no if there is a chance that it might become a yes. If the possibility exists, rethink the limit. If you don’t have the intestinal fortitude to hold to your limit, don’t impose it in the first place.
- Don’t argue with your child
- If you have gotten to the point of needing to discipline, the time for discussion has long since passed.
- Avoid “You’re in big trouble!”
- What does this mean anyway? It’s the expression that parents use when they have no idea what else to say. It means that something is going to happen, but Daddy is not sure what. Using this phrase eats away at your credibility. Know what you are going to do and do it!
- Discipline doesn’t end with the word “okay?”
- A limit or directive to a child is a statement, not a question.
The Four Prong Plan for Discipline
Getting Your Child to do What You Ask
- Step 1: Forewarning
You say: “In five minutes it is going to be time to stop playing with your Lego and wash your hands for dinner. This is your five minute warning.” - Step 2: It’s Time
You say: “Now it is time to wash for dinner. Please put your Lego down and go wash now. I will save your Lego for after dinner.” - Step 3: Deliver the threat, just once
You say: “If you stop, wash up and come to dinner now, then you will eat with the family. If you do not, then you will eat in the kitchen by yourself.” Whatever consequence you choose, the point is that you state it clearly and calmly and are prepared to follow through if there is noncompliance. - Step 4: Lower the boomThis is when you follow through with your threat. There is no going back now. It’s over. Noah has wandered in five minutes later than everyone else, ready for dinner on his own schedule.
You say: “Your dinner is in the kitchen. Maybe tomorrow you will come when I ask you and you will be able to eat with the rest of the family. Tonight you are eating your dinner alone in the kitchen.”
At this point you will likely have to tolerate a huge tantrum or meltdown. Yes, it’s true. Noah is disrupting everyone else’s dinner. But it will happen only once or maybe twice. Your child has now learned that you mean what you say.
Toddler discipline
It’s scary even putting those two words together, so contentious is the “D-word” when talking about raising kids. But the wild and untamed creature that the toddler can often be needs some guidance, boundaries and the occasional stern word, if only to keep them safe and you sane. We look at some discipline styles and measures
All toddlers at some stage, often regularly, will misbehave, do something naughty, test your patience or risk life and limb through an action. How do we as parents deal with this?
Toddler discipline is quite an emotive topic with many parents either having strong opinions on how it should be done, strong opinions on how others are doing it or are totally confused about what they should do. It’s a minefield, and often it comes down to finding the best way that suits you, your family and your parenting values.
Discipline is not about telling kids off – it’s about setting boundaries, working out what’s acceptable behaviour and being consistent so your little beings understand the expectations.
Toddlers want to test boundaries. They’re just working out that they can have independence, and they will often try to push the envelope. They can be defiant and refuse to cooperate. They can be whingey, aggressive, destructive, angry and just plain naughty.
Tips for effective discipline:
- avoid power struggles with your youngster
- offer simple choices he can understand
- make a game out of good behaviour (“Let’s see if we can clean up your dolls before we finish saying the alphabet/counting to 10.”)
- catch your child being good and praise them for it
Discipline strategies:
- Time out – remove them from the area, but be aware this doesn’t work for every child, particularly the younger toddler.
- Distract and divert – redirect their naughty energies into something more positive or to an area safer.
- Set boundaries- according to all the parenting gurus, toddlers love boundaries because it makes them feel secure and loved. So work out what behaviour and actions are acceptable or not for your family, and make sure your littlies understand.
- Positive reinforcement – studies show that toddler discipline using positive reinforcement works far better than punishment, so focus on their good behaviour and try to ignore their irritating or naughty behaviour.
Six must-read tips for all expectant dads
Congratulations, you’re going to be a dad. Your life is about to change forever and you’re probably on a steep learning curve. I’ve outlined below a few nuggets that I hope you’ll find useful. It’s not always going to be easy as a parent but it is incredibly rewarding. I wish you, your partner and your offspring the very best of luck!
Mark your territory
When your child arrives you need to be there for both mother and baby. You may come across individuals, possibly even close family members, that freeze you out of the scene because you’re not the child’s mother. Their actions are probably well meant but their views on parenting are antiquated and they see it as women’s work.
As a father you are more than capable of changing nappies and no matter whether it is 0300hrs or 1500hrs you can bottle feed your child. You’re also perfectly qualified to bathe your child, take them to see the health visitor and so on.
Do not let anyone tell you otherwise and do not question your own abilities. Aside from breast feeding you are capable of doing everything with your child that mother can do and you can do it to exactly the same standard. One other thing, be prepared to do all the shopping, cooking, cleaning, washing, ironing etc. following the birth. You may have help from friends and relatives but running the household will fall on your shoulders while your partner recovers.
Write a birth plan
Write a birth plan for the three most likely outcomes; natural birth, forceps delivery and caesarean section. Get to know this plan intimately. Some people say birth plans aren’t worth writing because every birth is different and the unexpected is guaranteed (see below). I disagree and think birth plans are vital.
It’s true, you can’t plan for every eventuality in the delivery room but you are your partner’s advocate and you need to know what her wishes are. It’s very difficult for your partner to tell a medical consultant what pain relief she wants while having a contraction and puffing on gas and air. In these circumstances it will be your job to make clear to the medical team exactly how your partner wishes to be treated and that’s easier if it’s written down in black and white.
The unexpected will happen
Even if you have an exceedingly detailed birth plan, accept the fact that each and every birth is unique and the unexpected is inevitable. The labour could be much quicker than anticipated, baby’s heart rate could fluctuate, your wall-flower of a wife may scream and make noises you’ve only heard in horror films, you just don’t know.
Whatever happens, just let the midwives do their jobs. Keep in mind that a midwife has to deliver 40 live babies plus their placentas before they are considered fully qualified. Even a student midwife is, therefore, pretty damn knowledgeable. Unfortunately there is little that you can do during the final stages other than reassure your partner and let the professionals do their job. Keep calm, keep out of their way and do whatever the professionals ask of you.
Allow standards to slip for a while
After the birth, just concentrate on the important things in life and let standards slip. I mentioned above that ironing would be your responsibility. That was a joke. Your child and partner need you more than you need a freshly ironed shirt.
Following the birth of our second child, we didn’t have a sheet on our bed for nine whole days. Every night we pulled back the duvet to reveal a mattress protector and no sheet. Yet again we’d gone for an entire day and simply forgotten to put a sheet on the bed. At night we just crawled into bed regardless and slept. Those few, valuable sheet-changing minutes were instead spent with our children and it was time well spent.
Intimacy will happen again (eventually!)
You’re probably wondering when your sex life will get back to normal. Don’t fret, you will have sex again but you need to be realistic; there will not be much love making in the short term and it will take some time for this most intimate part of your life to evolve and adapt to your new circumstances.
I hardly need to tell you that your partner has to recover from the physical trauma of the birth. What few new parents appreciate is the impact of post-birth hormones. To be blunt, these chemicals temporarily affect a woman’s libido and unfortunately not in the way you would like them to. I was once in conversation with a sex therapist (not as a patient I should add) and she was even more blunt saying that; “it’s all about the hormones, hormones, hormones.” Add to this the fact you’re both going to be knackered and you’ll see why life isn’t going to be one big, post-baby love-in.
You will probably find that spontaneity is difficult when you are looking after an infant. You may even find you have to plan your intimate moments around your child’s nap times.
Look at the positive side though; consider all the people you know with children. Very few of them just have the one. Based on this strong anecdotal evidence, you can rest assured that most people’s sex lives recover following the birth of a child!
Enjoy being a parent
Being a parent is hard work and you’re going to make mistakes along the way. So what? Every parent finds it tough and every parent makes mistakes.
There are also many upsides to being a parent. You’re joining a club that most people are a member of or at the very least can relate to. As a result you will meet new people and make new and lasting friendships.
Being a parent is also very rewarding. You have many special moments to look forward to; first spoken word, crawling, walking, first day at school and so on. Enjoy it while you can because one thing you’re going to learn very quickly is that your children grow up with terrifying speed.
Removing my children from the Internet
About a week ago I began deleting all photos and videos of my children from the Internet. This is proving to be no easy task. Like many parents, I’ve excitedly shared virtually every step, misstep and milestone that myself and my children have muddled our way through.
To be honest, aside from making sure my Facebook privacy permissions were set, I hadn’t given a whole lot of thought about sharing photos of the kids online. I’ve run this blog (in various formats) for about a decade, and sharing stuff on it was just what I did. What I’ve always done. It’s sort of the point of it. And when in the last few years I’ve started blogging less and posting on Facebook more, I carried that same sense of “my life is an open book” with me to the social network.
My view on sharing photos of the kids has always been that the advantages of having an easy, centralized way of sharing photos with an extended family that are thousands of kilometres away outweighed the largely fictional threat of creepy people having access to them.
Several months ago I read Jeremy Goldkorn’s rant on the subject. The article itself is excellent food for thought, but it was something in a post-script that resonated most with me:
This is not only about privacy, it’s also about your child’s identity. We are human beings, not amoebas. How would you like it if your mother and father were in charge of your social media presence? That’s what you’re doing to your children.
At the time I was resistant to surrendering my position, which it appears many other readers of the article shared, that we now live in an extremely interconnected world where privacy is simply not the same as it used to be. I was looking at this strictly as a “privacy” issue, and I felt that keeping baby photos off the Internet was akin to bailing a tide pool.
In the months since, I’ve returned to topic a few times and found myself increasingly conflicted about things. In response to Jeremy, a mutual friend, John Biesnecker, added the following point to the discussion:
My wife and I do have ground rules for posting things, the most basic of which being never to post something that we’d be embarrassed about if our parents had posted something similar of us as a child. Is this making choices for our children? Yes, but so is virtually everything else one does as the parent of a small child — and some of those choices have real, material, immediate impacts on your child’s life, impacts far greater, I would argue, than photos posted on Facebook.
You make a good point, though you don’t expound on it, regarding the inevitability of one’s identity showing up online. If this is indeed inevitable — and I agree that it is — then you’re far better off controlling and shaping that narrative to the extent possible, rather than allowing it to be shaped for you by others.
Now it should be noted that John works for Facebook, and so one would assume that at least to some degree his views would align with the company’s share-friendly ethos. However, he makes a good point about acting as a guardian of your child’s online identity. And that brings us to my tipping point, Amy Webb’s article on Slate, in which she shares the story of “Kate” and her share-happy parents:
With every status update, YouTube video, and birthday blog post, Kate’s parents are preventing her from any hope of future anonymity.
That poses some obvious challenges for Kate’s future self. It’s hard enough to get through puberty. Why make hundreds of embarrassing, searchable photos freely available to her prospective homecoming dates? If Kate’s mother writes about a negative parenting experience, could that affect her ability to get into a good college? We know that admissions counselors review Facebook profiles and a host of other websites and networks in order to make their decisions.
There’s a more insidious problem, though, which will haunt Kate well into the adulthood. Myriad applications, websites, and wearable technologies are relying on face recognition today, and ubiquitous bio-identification is only just getting started. In 2011, a group of hackers built an app that let you scan faces and immediately display their names and basic biographical details, right there on your mobile phone. Already developers have made a working facial recognition API for Google Glass. While Google has forbidden official facial recognition apps, it can’t prevent unofficial apps from launching. There’s huge value in gaining real-time access to view detailed information the people with whom we interact.
The easiest way to opt-out is to not create that digital content in the first place, especially for kids. Kate’s parents haven’t just uploaded one or two photos of her: They’ve created a trove of data that will enable algorithms to learn about her over time. Any hopes Kate may have had for true anonymity ended with that ballet class YouTube channel.
It forced me to really dig deep into why I share photos of my kids. Convenience? Sure. But there are convenient ways to share photos with family that don’t run the risk of my kids unwittingly being used in advertisements or enshrined in Google Image searches for all time. While Zoë Stagg attributes it to ego, and while there is some science to back that up, I believe it was pride that was leading me to share.
Of course as pride goes, pride for your children is about the best kind there is. But after I put it in that context, I realized that the statement isn’t “convenience > fleeting privacy” but rather “sharing pride < maintaining control”. The pride I have for my children, and the resulting desire to share that with everyone that will listen (and “like” it) is not worth my children not having some modicum of control of their online identity and anonymity in the future.
And so I’ve taken a tip from Amy Webb’s article and expanded on something I had already done to a limited extent — in addition to removing all media featuring them from the public Internet, I’ve created a digital trust of sorts. I’ve registered domain names and e-mail accounts for both boys. They may never use them, but at least they’ll have the option to in the future, and it will give them a leg up on managing their digital identities when they reach an age when that will be important to them.
It may be inevitable that when they grow tall enough to have cameras and social media accounts they’ll share every mundane and embarrassing detail of their lives, with Facebook and Google mining it all for advertisers. And so be it, such is the world in which we live. As their father I don’t feel it’s my job to insulate my children from the world, but rather it’s to be the best custodian of their future selves I can be. Most of the time that means preparing them with the knowledge and tools they’ll need, in this case it means understanding I don’t need to share my pride in them in digital media format for that pride to exist, and in the process it means protecting their digital identities long enough for them to make a mess of it themselves.
http://www.ryan-mclaughlin.com/fatherhood/removing-children-internet/
[posted]https://www.facebook.com/danicaandsusanspage
9 Ways To Boost Your Child’s Social Skills
When most parents think of teaching their child good social skills they think of making sure their child learns to say “Please” and “Thank you.” Others may even add in that a child should offer a snack to their friends during play dates or teach them why it is appropriate to give everyone in class a birthday invitation and not to exclude anyone. All of which are great social skills to have. For every child.
But, for parents of children with an invisible disability – whether that is Autism, Non-Verbal Learning Disorder, Sensory Processing Disorder, or even Bipolar Disorder – we think of completely different challenges when we are faced with teaching our children social skills. We think of reciprocal language, sharing control during play, being flexible, and not monopolizing the conversation (that is assuming they even know how to start a conversation in the first place).
Knowing our children have these complex challenges with social skills makes teaching social skills just a part of a much larger problem. And, often our children’s social skill deficits are compounded by other challenges – such as attention issues, sensory issues, or a simple lack of interest. But that doesn’t change the fact that most of our kids want friends.
And they need help from us to make – and keep – friends.
So how do you go about helping boost your child’s social skills? Good question!
In our house we have tried many different ways to teach social skills, from the basic skills (ask someone to play with you), to the more complex (you have to respond to their question and ask another one), and the ones that have no explanation at all (how to fight ‘fair’). And over the years, I have boiled it down to those that work.
Here are 9 tips for boosting your child’s social skills:
- Formal Classes: One of the most beneficial things I have done is take my oldest son to formal Social Skills classes. Ours were taught by a woman with her masters in social work, but many are led by other professionals (Speech Therapists, Educational Consultants, and counselors). At first I thought this was a waste and assumed I could do it on my own – I am social, I know what to do – but I couldn’t have been more wrong. The curriculum breaks down basic social situations into easy to learn, and easy to practice, lessons. From how to have host behavior and ways to share the control of play, to how to pick and keep friends, these step by step, straightforward lessons have been invaluable to us.
- Social Skills Groups: Once we had some of the basics down, the next step was practicing them. We attend social skills groups that are facilitated but are not ‘taught’. It is an opportunity for us to be with other children who have social challenges and practice the skills we are learning. Having me, and/or another facilitator available, allows my son to get verbal and nonverbal reminders on how to adjust behavior, or quite simply, when to ask a question.
- Social Stories: Reading stories that illustrate social situations to a child (in pictures or in words depending on their developmental level) gives a child a better understanding of expected behavior, suggested conversation and social norms in a given situation. This is a good way to give your child some black and white information about this grey subject.
- Video: One of the best ways I have found to demonstrate or illustrate these social situations, especially those that my son is on his own for (school, birthday parties, play dates) are through video. There are many videos out there, but the ones we have used most regularly are from Model Me Kids (they even have an iPod/iPad app!).
- Role Playing: When there isn’t a book, or a video handy (and I don’t have the time or energy to make one!) we do simple role playing. This is a good way to address very specific issues that are affecting my children. Like, “I want to play with Johnny at school, but every time I ask him to play tag, he says no.” Role playing through this situation with my children allows us to come up with other things my son could say to Johnny, without the on-the-sport pressure. I also enlist the help of my middle neuro-typical son to participate in this brainstorming session, as his take on the situation is always incredibly helpful.
- Real Life Practice: There is nothing more valuable than practice. Our kids have to get out there – make mistakes – and find success. Don’t stay inside, don’t avoid every party or the local playground, give it some good thought and choose a social challenge that will give your child the chance to shine – or at least glimmer a little.
- Play Dates: Play dates are the easiest way to put your child in the position to succeed. You control the time, the location and the play. My best advice for these is to consider them like therapy: Do them every week. Each time you have one set up, plan the activities for the children. Choose activities that your child enjoys and can do with a relative ease. If his strength isn’t taking turns, don’t play board games. If your child can’t share his Legos, don’t get them out. And on the other hand, if you child shines at art, plan a craft or if he has mad-skills on the guitar, have a jam session. This is your chance to manufacture positive interactions with your child’s peers.
- Phone Conversations: Don’t under value the need for phone conversations. Although arguably texting will likely take over for real phone conversations by the time most of our kids are teenagers, they need to know how to have a conversation on the phone now. And don’t underestimate this: it is hard. No visual clues, no way to read body language; they will have to rely on their ability to hear tone, inflection and respond to questions without a visual. It requires practice. Use play phones, call relatives, and set up phone conversations between play dates with the friends your child creates.
- Make-Up Rules. This is kind of an awkward one – but for those social skills that don’t really have a rhyme or reason – the ones that defy laws of logic; makes up your own. Here’s an example: Gabriel likes to tell me I look pretty. He knows this is a nice thing to say. But he says it when I am done working out, or when I have jumped out of the shower, towel on my head, no makeup and ran to see why someone was screaming. Not such a good time, and with his interest in eventually having a girlfriend, I think it is important to give him some guidance. So, we have the rule, “If I am not ready to go out for the day, or with your father on a date, then hold off on your compliments until I am.” That’s a grey area, but I gave him a black and white rule to help him avoid social blunders. Same rule is applied to fighting with his brothers. I don’t know why the ‘bro code’ says you cannot hit a guy in the back, but among other places, that is just not acceptable. It is a social norm that I cannot explain. My son requires direction on these things and the best I can give him is narrow guidelines that we can expand as he gets older.
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